April 6, 2006

• Moose killed Squirrel!

  
  

  So, I hate fish.  You know, the kind people have as pets in aquariums.  They just.....give me the heebies.  Make my skin crawl.  Make me want to throw up a little.  Anyway, Mario had two Oscar fish, Moose and Squirrel.  He also has an algae eater, Rubber Biscuit, but he doesn't really do much, so we won't talk about him.  Well, Moose is a fucking psychopathic murderer!!!  He attacked Squirrel Tuesday night and yesterday we came home to find Squirrel dead in the tank.  So why do I care?  Well, I don't know.  I think maybe I'm just upset that a life was lost in my house, you know.....someone wasn't safe under my roof.....I couldn't Betty-Crocker it.  I don't know.  Anyway, we had a proper funeral for Squirrel.  We made a coffin for him and painted it with Elysian fields of seaweed, and then set that bitch on fire like the Viking warrior he was!

  
  

   

  
  

  That's Mario painting the coffin....check out the hot bitch fish he painted for Squirrel.....with her tight red dress, all blinged out and shit.  Mario says there will be all sorts of fine-ass bitches waiting for Squirrel in fish heaven.  I painted the seaweed.  I didn't know Squirrel that well, so I just did what I could.

  
  

   

  
  

  That's not an octopus, that is Mario's interpretation of God in fish heaven.  As you can see from the picture on the right, Squirrel was quite flammable.

  
  

   

  
  

  We lit a incense and a candle, recited some Doors' lyrics, and I'm pretty sure our neighbors thought we were sacrificing a baby or something like that.  Squirrel did leave us with some parting wisdom:  Don't burn a dead fish in a plastic bucket.  The fumes were almost worth it, though

  
  

  Here's to Squirrel!  I won't miss you, but Mario will.  Just know that he's getting a BIGGER fish to put in the tank with Moose, and he's naming it Boris, AKA Squirrel's Revenge, just for you, buddy.

  • 1:53 pm
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